Grief

Grief, darkness, sadness.

There are seven stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I don't think I went through any of them. What I felt was extreme sadness, the kind that comes from the heart, the one that makes your chest ache, like a constant pressure, as if someone is stepping on it. Breathing became difficult, gasping for air, and the chest hurt again.

I also felt love. Sadness and love held hands throughout the entire journey. Love remained a constant from the beginning until now.

I was never angry, I never bargained, I wasn't clinically depressed, although the feeling of depression was there. I accepted what happened. I wasn't fighting against anything. It was what it was, as if determined beforehand, mapped out from the start, destined to happen. That's how it felt, accompanied by a ton of sadness and a ton of love.

Grief engulfs you and takes over, like your foot is tied to an anchor that's dragging you to the depths of the ocean, drowning you. Grief is that tight chest every time you're reminded of the little things. It's a constant. The way to gradually overcome this is to let it flow through you.

You need to let grief in, make friends with it, understand it, feel it, and embrace it, because it's the only way to slowly start swimming back up.

It's easier to numb the pain, to find ways to replace what was lost, to turn a blind eye to the little reminders, and to surround yourself with noise. To drink alcohol, take medications, or be constantly surrounded by friends. But this numbness is temporary, and it's never the solution. You must walk through the dragon's mouth and face the flames. You must feel the pain and release it. There is a way out, and that is through the pain. You must feel it all and let it go.

It takes a lot of courage and bravery. It starts with one step, and then another. It's not a linear journey. Sometimes you'll steadily move upwards, and sometimes you'll crumble back down. It's a process, so be patient. Setbacks are inevitable, and remember that doing your best is always worth celebrating.